Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

i want enemies

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT