Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…