I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
You Might Also Like
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
new career option?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
aesthetic
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.