Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

Y’all ready for this

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE