I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
You Might Also Like
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT