I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
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Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
nobody’s gonna understand
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.