Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Welcome

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.