“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
The cashier just checked me out.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
secret recipe
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?