@mommajessiec

I tackle any project by doing 15 minutes of nothing, then a 2 minute microburst of activity, then 15 minutes of nothing, then a 2 minute microburst of activity. Basically I have the time management skills of an 80’s child during a commercial break.

You Might Also Like

@iamfase

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

@robotrowboat

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

@CrockettForReal

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

@Tylerosis

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

@HousewifeOfHell

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.