The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.
I tackle any project by doing 15 minutes of nothing, then a 2 minute microburst of activity, then 15 minutes of nothing, then a 2 minute microburst of activity. Basically I have the time management skills of an 80’s child during a commercial break.
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Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Love so rare, you can still hear it moo.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.