I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
You Might Also Like
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
#parenting
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”