I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
You Might Also Like
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*