I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
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I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party