I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Saturday
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?