Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

The three genders

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.