I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
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As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Stop being racist to kettles.
everyone has that one prude friend
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.