I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time