I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?