I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
You Might Also Like
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I don’t know what to do
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)