I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
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(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”