Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

this is the best day of my life

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

This is me 🤣🤣

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?