I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
You Might Also Like
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dead sexy!!
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW