I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
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[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.