Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk