Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

😂🥴

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭