I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.