Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!