I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
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SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Midwest trash talk
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Ron is short for Aaronald
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
watergate? u mean a dam??
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”