Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

☠️

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”