Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

groan^2

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”