I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Google assistant rules
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Everyone’s family
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.