I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
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Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.