I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Have a lovely day 😊
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably