Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Covid like

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

I went from rags to one rag.

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”