Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

It’s the weekend y’all

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play