I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
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*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said