Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

“no gods no masters” = leo

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Waiting for the Charmin

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.