Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream car is a taco truck.

Bringing home a sharpie

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

this… may be the greatest story ever told

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!