Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

how long have you had this for?

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.