Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

I hate when that happens.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm