I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
6. me as a lawyer
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant