I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
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I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”