I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
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I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”