Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

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Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.