I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid