I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
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I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
smh
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?