I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
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The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.