Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.