“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
I hid some form of a weapon in literally every room of my home when I first moved in and now I have to figure out where the hell I put everything before I move out…
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
💻🤡
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one