Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…