“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
meanwhile over on facebook
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.