Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
real
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*updates tinder bio*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
January has been Januweary
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”