I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.
I do however, scream while doing so.
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The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
This COVID shit lasting like a Honda Civic
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.