I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Beware of the dog..
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.