I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.

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I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.


The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”


What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?


[Death Row]
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Guard: But…


No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh


Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.


My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.


ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?