I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
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Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!