Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends