I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.