I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
tell em, edith-anne
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
This is my emotional support knife.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.