I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
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My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.