Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

He died doing what he loved: being alive

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

Hot hot hot 🥵

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

This is amazing.

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

😂😂

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”