Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.