I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Cat is stressing him out.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.