Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

*offers Batman cough drops*

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.