I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
seriously you guys
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.