I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
twitter users today:
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.