I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!