I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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girl: can i have ur number
girl: oh uh. why
me: because its mine
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you’re damn right I am.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”