I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.