I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

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I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.


“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.


When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.


If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you’re damn right I am.


The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.


Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”