I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
💀
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.