Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Based Erika

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.