I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
just pretend nothing happened
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.