I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
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Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
How to woo a woman
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle