I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
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My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
OMG 🤣🤣
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”