I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
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HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
LOOOOOOL
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this