I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
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Can’t, holding a grudge
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
He-man has a Masters degree
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
HELP 😭
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.