Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

Tier 3 meme

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders